My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
