Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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