nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
