U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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