I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
