I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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