Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
