i used baking grease as lip gloss
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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