I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize