He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
