do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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