oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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