I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm too high and old for this...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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