cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
