a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize