Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
