i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
