I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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