so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
