I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm at about main and main street
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
