btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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