I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
