Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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