and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
