He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
