you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
