Got a toothbrush?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
