She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
