She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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