My underwear smells like fireworks.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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