I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
