I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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