Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
