I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
