Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we made out on top of his cat.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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