Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
