So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
