Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
