in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I am naked and annoyed.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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