this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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