i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
