roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
