the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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