I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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