We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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