your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
