My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
