I wish my penis had an off switch
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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