the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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