The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
