i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
