he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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