I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize