there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
