dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
