Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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