Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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